Ichabod

Concerning religion, I've been angry a lot over the last few years. Honestly, it's been longer than a few years.  Some of this anger is present as I reflect upon my childhood teachings about how I was to fear god yet accept "his" love at the same time.  Of the dual nature of god,  I could never reconcile the polar opposites of this celestial being.  By the way, I loathe the divisive and conscious use of male pronouns and the propagation of such by the church patriarchy through the years when referring to deity.

I am also angry at the behavior I observed when believers of one persuasion treated the believers of another persuasion with scorn or disdain, OR, more close to home, how believers treated their own when they did not measure up.  My own sweet mother, who loved to sing solos in church and still does, was politely told that she would NOT be singing for a locally televised sunday church service because she and my father were separated.  The self-righteous minister said her personal situation, being widely known in our small community, was not an image the church wanted to air, literally or figuratively! I was in the 8th or 9th grade at the time.

Skipping ahead, after college I went to seminary, Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, in North Carolina. I was there in 1987 when the fundamentalist contingency of the Southern Baptist Convention had come into majority power and started to mandate that all professors sign an infallibility statement indicating their agreement that the Christian Bible was the infallible and inerrant Word of God. The seminary president, who happened to be the uncle of a dear college friend of mine, resigned during this time, very likely under the pressure of the right wing arm of the seminary board.   Many professors and students led by their own convictions followed his lead and went elsewhere.  I was one of those who left, angered yes, but more confused due to the upheaval of my own set of beliefs.

During this tumultuous time, a friend of mine drew a picture of the seminary chapel with the word "Ichabod" written boldly above the chapel doors. The Hebrew word Ichabod means "the glory has departed." Furthermore, the word glory in this context denotes presence as in the manifestation of god's presence. My departure from seminary and from my former Christian faith is symbolized in my friend's apt drawing.

I ditched the religious calling some 20+ years ago when I left seminary though I returned once more to leave yet again for a final time without completing my degree.  Since then I have been quite content to explore and have participated in various religious communities and/or spiritual expressions of faith. I have dabbled in the mysticism of eastern religions, read many books by the self-help gurus to gain enlightenment, and listened to the "attract anything you want, if you just believe" secret of the religious science church (the latter now striking me as oxymoronic).

To be clear, I am angered by the duplicity and the self-righteousness exhibited by certain born-again religious types from my past.  The misguided and sometimes abusive behavior of some has made an indelible impression on me to be sure and has left me with me contempt for religion in general. As an aside, I do not think all religious folks are pricks as I have many dear friends who profess faith.

However, I must note that my disbelief in god, let alone a personal god, is not determined on how religious people treat others, good or bad.  The glory did not depart overnight, but during my years of questioning and searching, I find myself in a new day, a new light.